Bidet

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I did a training at Google, and they had the fancy Japanese style bidet toilets in their visitors center. Since i was using the facilities, I tried it out. Not bad. I decided to get one for the home -- hey, a few hundred bucks to a squeaky clean pooper sounded like a fair trade to me. Something to do with removing my gallbladder and my intestinal issues, often gives me sticky poops that require a lot of wiping. I had a work-friend that thought these were life changing... while I find it nice, I don't quite go to that extreme. But I do think it's worth the money and a better experience.... especially when you're sick and sore from wiping.

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In case you aren't familiar with these, when you've completed your pooping business, you push one of 20 buttons, and a little nozzle pops out, and shoots you right in the pooper with a warm jet of water and helps with the cleanup. Then another button press and they turn on the warm air drying to eliminate any residual moisture (double-press if you really like the wind blowing through your nether hairs), to make sure the scent is properly distributed around the room. (Some people pre-post wipe as well). It's not a bad experience. There's also another button where the nozzle comes out a little further and soaks your nutsack: I learned that one is for the girls to clean their lady-parts (or those who want to be tea-bagged by their toilet). I personally stay away from that button.

The most popular/recognized brand is Toto. Probably because of their song, "I bless the rains down in Africa.... Gonna take some time to do the things we never had...". Now that's a brain worm. OK, maybe that's a different Toto, but the lyrics make it seem like a custom written jingle to me.

After a little research, I went out and bought a lower end model/brand (BioBidet) -- I just wanted warm water and dry. Many of the fancier models have things like pre and post scenting (to give you aroma therapy while you drop a deuce), music or anti-noise to get rid of any sound effects, not to mention fancy features like pre-squiting the toiled with a cleaning fluid (to reduce skid-marks). That stuff just sounded like things to fill, or might break. I went with the basics at around $300, instead of the do-everything thing around $1,000.

My Japanese friends point out how prudish Americans can be about something everyone does once or more times a day. And think our cultural aversion to anything to do with bathroom business, makes us miss out on things in life. My wife falls into that camp. She thought it was an extravagant waste of cash, and wants nothing to do with a new fangled automatic butt-cleaner. She also seems to think that a bidet is a gateway device for guys wanting to get into pegging or butt play -- and good girls don't do that. I probably didn't help matters when asked what it's like, I explained that it's "like something you'd have to pay hookers extra for: a little analingus after every poop".... or I mentioned that little nozzle seems to have an artificial intelligence bomb sighting, because it hits me right in the man-flower every time. My wife lost her shit (so to speak) cracking up at me calling it a man-flower, and with a lot of hand waiving and ear/brain washing gestures, she also asked me not to refer to it as that. She didn't like mangina either. Geesh.

But she has nothing to worry about, butt play is not my thing. You can push the squirter button twice and it goes into a sort of massage mode, with variable pressure... um, a bit too intimate for me, I felt like my doctor is trying to find her missing car keys during a prostate exam or like I was on the receiving end of one of those carnival fill the balloon with a squirt gun games. There's a difference between cleaning, and picking my nose from the other side. Back away from the pulsating button! But heck, I don't judge. Life's short, if that makes you happy, have a pooper key-party.

Conclusion

So in the end, I think these things are a nice improvement to the western system of wiping.... though for me, it doesn't eliminate that need, it just augments the normal habits. But I also like baby wipes for years before getting one of these. It definitely helps with itchy butt and skid marks.

If you have no shame, or think Americans can be prudes, and you want a slightly nicer potty experience, I suggest trying one. It took about 15-20 minutes to install -- you just remove the old seat, install a mounter for the new one, and patch a T into the cold water line, and run an extension cord. Not hard. And after that, you have the Cadillac of crappers.

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Written: 2018.05.14