Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells, "Free drinks for everyone!".... "who is buying?"
Child: Mom, what's an alcoholic? Mom: See those two boats over there? An alcoholic would see four.Child: but mom, there's only one boat.Mom: Fuck.
You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
When I dunk my cookies I think of you... and I hold them under until the bubbles stop.
Jack Daniel's Listerine? I'd have to retrain my muscle memory to not reflexively swallow.
Ran out of coffee, substituted tequila. Everyone is so pretty today.
Funny how it seems impossible to drink 8 cups of water a day, but 8 beers and 7 shots in 2 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.