The doctor told me to put a bar in the shower! So I did.
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells, "Free drinks for everyone!".... "who is buying?"
Child: Mom, what's an alcoholic? Mom: See those two boats over there? An alcoholic would see four.Child: but mom, there's only one boat.Mom: Fuck.
You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
Drunk wives matter!
When I dunk my cookies I think of you... and I hold them under until the bubbles stop.
Does wine count as a serving of fruit?
Jack Daniel's Listerine? I'd have to retrain my muscle memory to not reflexively swallow.
When life is hard, but you're trying to eat healthy.
Me: thanks for all you do for me *leans in for a kiss*.Liquor Store Clerk: can you just pay for the whiskey?!
What if rape rules applied the other way? Did you bring a man home a drunk man and take advantage of him?
I wonder if there's a margarita out there somewhere, thinking about me too?
Mountain Dew: the sports drink for gamers! And coders.
Ran out of coffee, substituted tequila. Everyone is so pretty today.
Let's reduce drunk driving by taking away cars from Sober drivers! (The root idea of gun-control)
Taco Bell: also open when you're sober!
Knowledge is know a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie
Waffle House: because it's 2am and you're drunk!
Funny how it seems impossible to drink 8 cups of water a day, but 8 beers and 7 shots in 2 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.