Things to think about

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  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

More...

  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Join the Marines, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

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