Humor

If I think it's funny, it should get indexed here.

General Humor
Microsoft

Application to date my daughter
Full Name (first, middle, last) __________________________________ Date of Birth __/___/___ Height_____ Weight_____ IQ_____ GPA______ Social Security #____-____-____ Driver's License #_________________ Boy Scout Rank______________________________________________ Home Address (city, state, zip)__________________________________ _______________________________________________apt. # _______ Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent in the home?(y/n)_____ If no, please explain:___________________________________________ Do you have: (A) van (B) Truck w/oversized tires? (C) Waterbed (D) earring (E) nose ring (F) nipple ring (G) tattoo (circle all that apply) In 50 words or less... what does the word "LATE" mean to you? ____________________________________________________________ In at least 25 words...What does, "Don't touch my daughter mean to you" ? _______________________________________________________ In at least 25 words... What does the word "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _______________________________________________________________ Church you attend:____________________ How often?_________________ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest? If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is________. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my____________. A woman's place is_______________________________. 4. The "one" thing I hope this application doesn't ask me about is ___________________________________________________________. 5. When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is_____________. 6. What do you want to be IF you grow up? I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the bestof my knowledge, under penalty of death, a severe beating, dismemberment, torture, crucifixion, electrocution, or a kiss by Hilary Clinton. Any penalty will be decided at the whim of the father. Signature ________________________________ Date ________ Witness ________________________________ Date ________ Character Reference _____________________ Date ________ Notarized ________________________________ Date ________ Please allow four (4) to six (6) years for processing. Thank you for your interest!

Army sayings
Friendly fire - isn't. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (a) When they're ready.(b) When you're not. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. The easy way is always mined. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. Incoming fire has the right of way. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. If the enemy is within range, so are you. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. Tracers work both ways. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. Weather ain't neutral. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. More...

Backwards Compatibility
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Lesson: Specs and Bureaucracies live forever! So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

Bad Days
If you think you're having a bad day, think of these SODS: A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly. Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. More...

Bill Clinton visits Jr. High
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?", asks Clinton, Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be tragedy." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it couldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips." "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!" "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." More...

Carpe Donktum
A twitterer (Carpe Donktum) summed up the state of Twitters leftist outrage mob by imagining Trump tweeting the picture of a horse, and how various outlets would respond: MAGA: This is the most beautiful Horse that was ever created LIBS: You Should Be in Jail, the Horse Deserves Better CNN BREAKING NEWS: President Trump tweeted a horse that was probably thinking bad thoughts, our panel discusses after the break. MSNBC: President Trump tweeted a picture of an Arabian horse, clearly a dog whistle to his Islamophobic base Feminist Twitter: Why does the horse have to be a male? This is just another example of Trumps war on women. Huffington Post: How Stallions are hurting transhorses The Daily Beast: Trump's "Horse Picture" linked to Antisemitism, here is the horses address and social security number. The New York Times: SOURCE says the Horse is the power behind the throne, Trump sits in his office watching gorilla channel all day.

Children's Books
"You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia, MD) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, MD) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, MD) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington, VA) "The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion" (David Genser, Arlington, VA) "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, MD) "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, PA) "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia, MD) "Where's Godot?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, MD) "Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David Genser, Arlington, VA) "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia, MD) "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" (John Kammer, Herndon, VA) "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover Hills, MD) "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" (Martin Keutel, Alexandria, VA) "Bi-Curious George" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, MD) "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, MD) "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" (Russ Beland, Springfield, VA) "You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Springfield, VA) More...

Corporate Zodiac
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out: MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter! Middle Management / Team Leads: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager". SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager". CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. CONSULTANT: 666

Deep Thoughts
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ``God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ``Probably because of something you did. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal in not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said ``Watch For Rocks. Marta said it should read ``Watch For Pretty Rocks. I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy! More...

Family Feud
(Real Answers from contestants) Name something a blind person might use: A sword Name an occupation where you need a torch: A burglar Name a famous brother & sister: Bonnie & Clyde Name a dangerous race: The Arabs Name an item of clothing worn by the 3musketeers: A horse Name something that floats in the bath: Water Name something Red: My cardigan Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers A number you have to memorize: 7 Something you do before going to bed: Sleep Something you put on walls: Roofs Something in the garden that's green: Shed Something that flies that doesn't have anengine: A bike with wings Something you might be allergic to: Skiing Something a cat does: Goes to the toilet Something you do in the bathroom: Decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo: A dog Something associated with the police: Pigs A sign of the zodiac: April Something with a hole in it: Window A non living object with legs: Plant A part of the body beginning with 'N': Knee Something you open other than a door: Your bowels

Good luck Mr. Gorsky
Every dog has its day... When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When Neil was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed outside his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

History of Medicine
Doctor, I have an ear ache: 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1700 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, let us bleed out the bad blood." 1850 A.D. - "Blood letting is unhealthy, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

How to get ahead in business
I figured the secrets to success in business, using math. We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Well, here's a little math that might prove helpful. IF: A=1, B=2, C=3, ... X=24, Y=25, Z=26 THEN: H A R D W O R K = 98% (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11) K N O W L E D G E = 96% (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5) A T T I T U D E = 100% (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5) B U L L S H I T= 103% (2 21+12+12+19+8+9+20) A S S K I S S I N G = 118% (1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7) So, it stands to reason that: hardwork and knowledge will get you close attitude will get you there bullshit will put you over the top. People that say they want more than 100% aren't really asking for hardwork, knowledge or positive attitude... they want bullshit or maybe a little ass-kissing. I only wish that I'd learned this decades sooner.

Latin
Domino vobiscum: The pizza dude is here Auda similarum ad seattles: They all sound like Pearl Jam Sharpei diem: Sieze the wrinkled dog Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus: Remove foil before microwaving Motorolus interruptus: Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel Il guyus nissanem iste ickye: That Nissan guy gives me the creeps Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus: Better take the nose ring out before the job interview E puribus tupac: Rap is everywhere Robotisticus governantimus inevitabilitus: Al Gore is going to be President Ignoramus microsoftus multa pecunia dat: Yeah, where DO I want to go today? Et tu, pluribus unum: The government just stabbed me in the back Nunc tutus exitus computarus: It is now safe to turn off your computer Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around

Martha Stewart
From the Desk of Martha Stewart, This perfectly delightful note is being sent (on paper I made yesterday afternoon) to tell you what I've been up to since I saw you last in Palm Springs. It snowed last night, so I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a hot glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold-leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then, to make the sled complete, I made some reindeer to pull it with some extra reindeer DNA I had laying around in the refrigerator. By then it was time to make the place mats and napkins for my 50 guests. I'm serving the old standard twelve-course Stewart breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret, I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand and antiqued them while doing my 45 minutes on the treadmill. Before I moved the table and chairs into the dining room, I decided to add a festive touch to the room. So, I repainted the room in pink and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while my 12-grain bread was rising, I took antique molds and made the dishes (in exactly the same shade of pink!) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store. Well, I must run. I need to finish the button holes on the dress I'm wearing for the breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelopes I'll be making shortly. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long - I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing! Love, Martha P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8 inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I grew, picked and crushed last week in an idle moment.

Nihilistic Security Questions
What is the name of your least favorite child? In what year did you abandon your dreams? What is the maiden name of your father's mistress? What age did your childhood pet run away? What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship? In what city did you first experience ennui? What is your ex-wife's newest last name? What sports team do your fetishize to avoid meaningful discussions with others? What is your favorite cancelled TV show? What is the middle name of your first rebound? On what street did you lose your childhood sense of wonder? When did you stop trying?

Organization Humor
HEAVEN is where: The police are British The chefs Italian The mechanics are German The lovers are French ...and it's all organized by the Swiss. HELL is where: The police are German The chefs are British The mechanics are French The lovers are Swiss ...and it's all organized by the Italians!!

PETS - People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available." According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lenghty and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software. "It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed any more." Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. "We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

Pet Shop Monkey
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll have a C-monkey please". The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

Short Books
A Guide to Arab Democracies A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean Career Opportunities for History Majors Contraception by Pope John Paul II Detroit - A Travel Guide Different Ways to Spell "Bob" Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches Easy UNIX Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance Everything Men Know About Women More...

Smoking arrest
I was pulling in to gas station and as I got out of my car I noticed the cop watching a woman smoking a cigarette while gassing up her car. I saw her and thought, what an idiot. I actually had to look twice, it looked like someone I knew, but thankfully it wasn't. I went inside to grab a bottle of water and while I was checking out I heard a woman screaming. I looked out and it was the woman who was smoking, her arm was on fire and she was waving her arm around and screaming hysterically. I ran outside and by then the cop had her on the ground and had put the fire out with an extinguisher. As I watched as he started cuffing her while opening the back of the squad car. I wondered what he was arresting her for, thinking that having her arm catch on fire would be punishment enough. So I asked.... the cop looked right at me and said ... 'for waving a firearm'!!!

T-Shirts
I'm Not 30. I'm $ 29.95 Plus Tax MEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service! WOMEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, Free Beer The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity I'm Not Getting Older. I'm Getting Bitter That Was Zen; This Is Tao Aliens Abducted Me, Laser-Photographed My Internal Organs, Dropped Me Off in a Crop Circle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt Why Is 'Abbreviation' Such a Long Word? There Are Three Kinds of People -- Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beer Holder Shin -- A Device for Finding Furniture in the Dark Your Kid May Be an Honor Student But You're Still an Idiot More...

Tandem Story
In-class Assignment for Wednesday : Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. Rebecca (last name deleted) • Gary (last name deleted) • English 44A - SMU Creative Writing - Prof Miller More...

The Cannibal and the New Yorker
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals....The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, old chap." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?" The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid cannibal!"

Things can always get worse
The Jerusalem Post (1988), Reuters and UPI (United Press International): TEL AVIV (Reuters) — An Israeli housewife’s fight with the cockroach that wouldn’t die landed her husband in hospital with burns on “sensitive parts,” a broken pelvis and broken ribs. The Jerusalem Post reported Thursday that the wife was frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room. She stepped on it, threw it in the toilet and the sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die. Her husband came home from work, sat on the toilet and lit a cigarette. He threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, igniting the insecticide fumes. This “seriously burned his sensitive parts,” the Post wrote delicately. There was worse to come. When paramedics arrived, they quickly placed the afflicted man on a stretcher. But when told the cause of the accident, they laughed uncontrollably and as a result dropped the stretcher down the stairs. This led to the broken ribs and pelvis. The man is recovering.

Things to think about
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. More...

Useful Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) [I wonder if they are including the sound energy in that calculation. Seems like you'd have enough energy for an atomic bomb, and to warm a cup of coffee; and after finishing a 7 year fart and popping a nuke out of your butt, I think you'd deserve a hot cup of coffee] The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. [Humans last less that one or two days] (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) More...

Walkie Talkies
If the person who created walkie talkies named everything: Stamps = Lickie Stickie Defibrylator = Hearty Starty Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy Pregnancy test = Maybe Baby Bra = Breasty Nesty Fork = stabby grabby Socks = feety heaty Hippo = floaty boaty Nightmare = screamy dreamy More...

Who's in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. "I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away". "I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy". "I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal". All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

Why ask why?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, Why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? More...

You're living in the 21st Century when...
1. You have 5 passwords, and can only remember one. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you. 4. You only stay in touch with friends on social media. 4. You answer your cell phone in a business manner. 5. When you insert a "9" on your cell phone to get an outside line. 6. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 7. Contractors outnumber permanent staff... and get long-service awards. 8. Board members earn more than Third World countries. 9. Free meeting food is your staple diet. 10. There's no money for permanent staff, but you have four management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 11. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". AND THE CLINCHER IS.. 12. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

Humor-Microsoft : 1 items

12 Days of Microsoft Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs and Windows 95 for my PC On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding 2 GPFs and Windows 95 for my PC On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad 3 ports not responding 2 GPFs and Windows 95 for my PC More...

Memes-Funny
These made me gasp, laugh, snort, chuckle or at least smile. Dark • Geek • Humor • Sarcasm • Signs • Tattoo • Truth •