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  • I'm Not 30. I'm $ 29.95 Plus Tax
  • MEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service! WOMEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, Free Beer
  • The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity
  • I'm Not Getting Older. I'm Getting Bitter
  • That Was Zen; This Is Tao
  • Aliens Abducted Me, Laser-Photographed My Internal Organs, Dropped Me Off in a Crop Circle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
  • Why Is 'Abbreviation' Such a Long Word?
  • There Are Three Kinds of People -- Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't
  • Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beer Holder
  • Shin -- A Device for Finding Furniture in the Dark
  • Your Kid May Be an Honor Student But You're Still an Idiot


  • I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days
  • Familiarity Breeds Children
  • Sex Is the Most Fun You Can Have Without Laughing
  • Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out
  • When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS
  • He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
  • I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead with a Necrophiliac
  • Taxation WITH Representation Isn't So Hot, Either
  • I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die
  • A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother
  • Democracy Is Mob Rule with Income Taxes
  • Disregard Last T-Shirt
  • I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do
  • If I Could Remember Your Name, I'd Ask You Where I Left My Keys
  • God Is Love -- But Get It in Writing
  • Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young
  • My Wife Says I Don't Listen to Her -- At Least That's What I Think She Says
  • Sex With You Was So Good That Even the Neighbors Had a Cigarette
  • I'm Not Unemployed -- I'm a Consultant
  • All I Ask Is That You Treat Me No Differently Than You Would the Queen


If I think it's funny, it should get indexed here.